Bad Things Happen to Good Poop

Unfortunately, many are the times when good things go bad – like Britney Spears, milk, the Titanic, and most regretably, poop. Pooping is generally a pleasurable experience; a release of buildup. But sometimes, even poop can go wrong. Here are just some of the disturbing news stories concerning poop in the past week:

Lexington, KY – a 32-year old man, Craig Shearer, was accused of beating his girlfriend’s four-year old son and forcing the child to ingest feces to punish him for bathroom accidents.


Stockman, a fecal offender
Stockman, a fecal offender

Marshfield, WI – Michael Stockman, held in a jail in Wood County, wrote a threatening letter on his cell wall to a judge. Penless, Stockman used his own feces.

Austin, TX – Emily McDonald was arrested for repeatedly putting feces in her hospitalized three-year old daughter’s feeding tube, a la Mischa Barton’s mom in The Sixth Sense. McDonald likely suffers from Manchausen syndrome, which makes people inflict harm on others for attention. If she uses it as an aleby in court, she will almost certainly become satan’s #1 prospect (move over Madoff).

East Troy, WI – after a Phish concert last weekend, a 71-year old man living nearby the concert venue found a Phish fan in his living room pooping on the floor. He posted on craigslist the next day in the hopes that the pooper would confess: “[I] FOUND HIM DEFECATING ON THE FLOOR. HAD HAIR LOOKED LIKE A DOORMAT. EYES WERE BUGGY LIKE I REMEMBER ON MEN IN VIETNAM.” shotgun in hand, he asked the pooper to clean up and, when he went to get a bucket and scoop, came back to find the room empty.

Little Rock, AR – “An Arkansas prisoner nearly died after guards left him lying naked in his own feces” for a weekend. The prisoner smeared the poop over himself and “played” with it. Guards disregarded the man, who later went to the hospital with septic shock from ingesting the microorganisms in the feces. While investigating the incident, correction officials also discovered that one of the guards had received a lap dance from a nurse in front of the inmates. This maximum security prison needs to get its sh*t together.

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