A Lesson in Scatology

As part of Deadspin’s “Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure,” Bryan submitted the following story:

So back in college I took an easy “A” course in sociology. Everyone got “A’s” in this class, so it was worth putting up with the inanity of the 12 weeks. One of the projects was to chart a new relationship, and write a paper on how it developed. So you had to pick someone in the class that you did not know and meet at least 5 times, and one had to be social.

I ended up with a moderately cute skinny blond, “Lisa”. The first time we met for coffee, the 2nd time at the library, the third time somewhere else. We were getting along fine, no problems, but really no spark either. The 4th time I offered to make dinner. Yes, on rare occasions I did actually make dinner in college.

“She’s laying face down and sitting there on top of her ass cheeks is a giant turd”

So she came to my apartment and had dinner and started drinking wine- 2 bottles. Good stuff too, like $6.98 Kendall Jackson. We’re getting pretty buzzed and just hanging out after dinner and all of a sudden she grabs me and starts kissing me. I wasn’t that attracted to her, but whatever…it was research so I felt a responsibility to go along. Pretty soon we are almost naked in the middle of the living room.

I get up for a second to run to get a condom, and when I get back she was kind of slumped over and begins vomiting all over my living room floor. Not projectile, but still a lot. She then falls down backward passed out with puke remnants on her face and all over my carpet.

At that exact moment my two female housemates open up our downstairs front door. I am standing there with a rapidly shriveling hard on and a passed out vomit covered girl and scream to them to “stay the FUCK downstairs”. I quickly drag her into my bedroom, and throw her face down on my bed while I grab some clothes and start to clean up the mess.

I clean up the pile of puke the best I can, and then head back into my bedroom, where she’s still passed out, but added a new treat to the night- she took a huge shit all over herself. She’s laying face down and sitting there on top of her ass cheeks is a giant turd. I just remember standing there looking at it, shacking my head in disbelief of how the night had turned out, while trying to hold in my own initial reaction to throw up as well, and how the fuck I was going to write about this in my paper.

It was probably about an hour or more before she came out of my bedroom. She was dressed, but she had just put on her pants without going to the bathroom or cleaning up, so she’s standing there like a 13 month old with a giant crap in their diaper. I said, why don’t you go in the bathroom and clean up before you go. She came back after about 5 minutes, and mumbled something about not having eaten all day, which given the size of the shit she dropped on my bed and the amount of vomit that was on my living room carpet, was pretty hard to believe.

She scuttled off home and I go into my room to see the most horrifying thing ever. There was shit everywhere. Not just a trail to the bathroom, but streaks on the wall, the light switch, the bathroom sink, my fucking stereo speakers. I would have rather faced a room full of terrorists than this. It took me two cans of Lysol and Comet to clean everything up and before I felt safe again. The entire bedspread and comforter went into a dumpster that night.

I came class at the last possible second the following day, and she immediately put her face in her hands and began turning red, never looking up the entire class. We skipped the final “meeting”. Oh, and I got a fucking “D’ on my paper.

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