Office Co-Workers- The Five Star

The Five Star - Grey Poopon
Pardon me?

The Five-Star – “Pardon Me, Would You Have Any Grey Poop-On?”
There are those who have the drive and determination to always find the best toilets. For their frou-frou poo-poo, some people are willing to go to great lengths, including a 10-minute walk to a hotel with non-disposable towels, floor-to-ceiling stalls, or Kohler urinals.

The Five-Star dreams of greener pastures. Usually sharing a case of The Timid shitter, they want to get as far away from the all-too-familiar prison-like stalls of the average office and anyone who might identify them. To the Five-Star, this is an opportunity to not only get fresh air and pretend they’re patrons at a swanky hotel, but also a chance for anonymity and the license to let it rip.

If you live in a major city, some suggested Five-Star locations are: Sofitel, the W, Smith & Wollensky….

The Five-Star suffers an extreme case of embarrassment. You can spot one by tracking smokers v. non-smokers and taking note of those who, more often than expected, ‘run errands’ in the middle of the work day. Importantly, The Five-Star is never a higher-up. They generally have delusions of grandeur and proficient insecurities that cause them to seek out solitude.


  • Luxurious
  • Anonymous
  • Escape the office


  • Possibility of a bathroom attendant
  • Adds at least 10-minutes onto the average bathroom break
  • Closely watched by staff

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