Office Co-Worker – The Keyholder

The Keyholder – Your Fate is in Their Hands
More so than your clients or your boss, your workday is at the mercy of The Keyholder – the person who either physically holds the bathroom key or the one coworker whose desk is required to bypass to and from your poop route.

Whether or not The Keyholder actually takes notice of your leaves of absence is irrelevant because you will never know. You will never establish a close working relationship with this person because, before you’ve had the chance, you’ve already grown fearful of the intimate knowledge they may possess of your routine.

Poop KeyholderDealing with a Keyholder of the opposite sex is the most challenging obstacle. Many have attempted to generate daily excuses to cover for their 15-minute breaks. Some go as far as holding out a pack of cigarettes when they pass by The Keyholder’s desk – and they don’t even smoke.

The No.1 Guide to No. 2 recommends a genial relationship with this person to prevent him/her from ever adding fuel to the fire. Example – a friend of The Keyholder says something negative about your work performance. Jane The Keyholder responds: “I know, like, he’s gone twenty minutes every time he takes the key.” That could be the end of your employment.

If you’re friendly with The Keyholder, you are safe. However, it is wise to have backup plans if this is especially worrisome to you.



  • Hold your cell phone to your ear as you walk by, saying “Yeah, I’ll be down in a minute, I just have to use the bathroom”
  • Provides an excuse for extended leave but you still take the key (use once a week at most)
  • Take the key to your nearest blacksmith and make a copy
  • Still requires you use the original key once a day to pee
  • Downside – that one copy break is going to be a long one, so come prepared with a damn good excuse
  • Where there’s no physical key, hold out a pack of cigarettes as mentioned before
  • 007 the job, and stealthily steal a coworker’s key
  • It is NOT recommended to pass off a short poop as a long pee
  • Rushing can lead to cutting it off which can lead to burning and discomfort, not to mention extended wiping


  • Holds the secrets and can use them climb the ladder
  • Source of entertainment to keep track of time


  • Feared status means less office friends
  • Pre or post chit-chat usually awkward

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