Because Dogs Don’t Do Sh*t

Cute design, but may cause dogs to eat it
Cute design, but may cause dogs to eat it

We sometimes joke that if aliens were spying on us from outer space, watching us walk our dogs, they’d think Fido was in charge – not us. That’s because they lead, we follow, and most importantly, they poop, we pick up (unless they’re spying on Vietnam or Korea and see us fry up some dog for dinner).

As far as I know, dogs are the only animal whose poop we actively chase and pick up obediently. And for most people, that hasn’t been a problem.

Enter Port-a-Poo Waste Carrier, from Mind Body and Paw LLC. They advertise their portable poop carrier as “the most convenient, sanitary, and stylish solution for dogs on the go!” Product reviews bitterly say: “make your dog carry their poop,” as if it were their choice to let it fester.

The front page of their site shows some kid in an ugly sweater bending down in front of the doggy-door looking like he’s the one that needs to crap. Maybe it’s a play on the slogan, suggesting that humans are the ‘inconvenient, dirty, and unstylish creatures that inhabit the earth.’

click it or pick it
click it or pick it

The step-by-step instructions on how to use this contraption leave out one major step: the actual poop. You see, no matter how bad you wanna make them carry their shit, no person will be able to bag a Type 7. If that’s the case, you might have to hold the ‘doggy bag’ to their anus to collect the runoff, but that sorta defeats the purpose of making them do all the work.

Having had a dog before and refusing to carry a soiled grocery bag in one hand, I understand the use of such a contraption that locks the bag to the leash so it’s hands-free. But if you still want to refrain from bending over and scooping up the poop, there’s no getting around that you’ll have to carry a noticeable pooper-scooper. Try as they might, Port-a-Poo will never, as they advertise, enter the realm of “classy.”

I often imagine what other activities aliens might be spying to formulate their opinions on the human race. Maybe they’ll catch an episode of Wipeout on ABC and think we torture our criminals via humiliation; or peek into a gym in San Francisco and assume we’re all gay; or see all of us on our computers and believe we are slaves to box-shaped light projectors. Why don’t they just come visit us to avoid these misconceptions?

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